Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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