Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
pray to the hookup gods
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
