I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
