Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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