its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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