I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
