My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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