So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
