So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
