i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
