There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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