When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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