forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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