I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
