if you like me you must not know who I am
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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