Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
