girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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