We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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