She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
