I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
