oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
