my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Randomize
