Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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