I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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