Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
