omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
