I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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