My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
