hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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