Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
