He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
