Umm I'm too high to move.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
