So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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