I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
