He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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