I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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