just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
