I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
