just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
