fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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