Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
