Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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