I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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