Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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