i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
