his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
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I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
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The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Couch. On fire.
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