trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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