she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
