Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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