After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
