I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
