My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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