I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
