I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
