I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
