Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I love you. Go after that dick
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
