i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
