I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
