i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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