omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
