I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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